This may sound callous, but we're ecstatic about ECM recording artist and starting Portland Trail Blazers point guard Jarrett Jack getting in a car crash. Yes, ecstatic. Why? Because this is a new kind of automotive accident for Portland's only major professional sports franchise worth caring about that we care about:

Jarrett Jack, the team's starting point guard and emotional leader, drove a car into a parked semi-truck outside of the team's practice facility in Tualatin as he arrived at the team's shootaround. Jack suffered a concussion and scrapes to his forehead when he hit the windshield.

See? That's great news. No drugs involved! No armed speed racing à la Road Rash 3! No pit bulls! Just a professional athlete with superior reflexes and hand-eye coordination driving his car into a parked vehicle the size of a barn (hmmm...). What's more, we get a W the night of the accident. This is just what a team formerly known as the Jail Blazers needs. So we salute you, Jarrett Jack, vibraphonist, terrible driver, and "emotional leader" of our benighted Blazers.

Oh God.

Victory is No Accident [OregonLive] (GET IT?)

This upcoming Super Bowl thing has raised some important questions. Why hasn't the above picture been an accurate representation of playoff Grossman? How many commercials will Peyton Manning star in, and, if the Colts lose, will he retire from football and pursue an Oscar? Will Prince reveal his nipples to 150 million television viewers worldwide in the middle of a twenty-minute version of Erotic City?

We don't have the answers. And neither do these people. Sorry.

• These guys have too much free time on their hands. And after watching these, we have much less. [Bear vs. Colt]
  
• Jesus had a shot at the Pros, but he got a 6 on his Wonderlic. True story. Read the Gospels. [The Nation]
• The only reason we'd actually go to a Super Bowl party. [Deadspin]
• No two Super Bowl posts on this blog are not fire. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• After last year's debacle, we vowed never to care about the outcome of a Super Bowl again. Here's why the only NFL team we've ever liked lost. [Seattle Times]

ESPN's Chris Broussard is fine with gays, as long as they know he hates them. Well, maybe he doesn't "hate" them—they'll still get a hug—but he does expect them to burn in Hell. His new post on ESPN's Magazine blog has a number of gems to its credit.

I'm a born-again, Bible-believing Christian (no, I'm not a member of the Religious Right). And I'm against homosexuality (I believe it's a sin) and same-sex marriage.

But before you label me "homophobic," know that I'm against any type of sex outside of marriage between a man and a woman. That includes heterosexual fornication (premarital sex).

Cool, Chris. We'll just label you batshit crazy. Still, though, his take on AmaechiGate (more like GAYte!) is relatively progressive: he thinks the NBA is ready for a gay player, as long as there's no hanky-panky in the locker room.

But if a gay player just goes about his business in the shower, showing that he has no sexual interest in his teammates and that he's not "checking them out," I think the awkwardness would wear off fairly quickly.

We're not even going to bother close reading that. Then there's the grand finale:

Believe me, when the ball goes up, his sexual preference isn't going to matter.

My take on John Amaechi [ESPN: The Magazine Blog] (via YAYSports!)

We're pretty sure this is actually a terrible idea, but we still love it. Plus he can do this:

Here's the deal: we really didn't want to care about this little basketball game that happened last night. Really. And on most levels we still don't. But Joakim Noah now has two championships? This guy? Really?!?

Really, not wanting him to have another ring (and by ring, we mean ridiculously unjustifiable amount of ass) was the extent of our caring. We have nothing against Florida: after all, there's been talk of our very own P-town Jail Weed Trail Blazers drafting the versatile Corey Brewer come June, and we have been known, on occasion, to like the colors blue and orange. But, for whatever reason, Joakim Noah really just annoys the shit out of us (and that's a big problem, seeing as we are The Shit).